My Principality

Grumps’ Cottage Rules, originally posted in my Michigan Summers blog in February 2008:

My grandfather is a benevolent curmudgeon. He loves order, Switzerland, Mercedes, and opera. He prefers his animals stuffed and his television (CNBC) on mute. And if a telemarketer calls at dinner time, he answers with:

Oh God, I thought you were the doctor. The baby’s dying.

The telemarketer hangs up mortified and my grandfather laughs.

Grumps and I used to suds our hair in the lake. He taught me that ivory soap floats and that a troll lives under our dock. Grumps replaced the dock this year and he called to say that the troll had left since his habitat had been destroyed. I cried and wished for the summers when Grumps had hair to wash and I felt clean scrubbing with the fish.

My Grandfather’s Ridiculous and Hilarious Rebuttal:

A small correction, the telemarketer hears: “My God, My God, I thought you were the doctor. The baby just died!” That does the trick. They are using Grumps’ time at Grumps’ dinner time so Grumps uses a little of theirs. Turnabout is fair play.
I remember most of the rules that, by the way, descended from my knowledge of and adherence to the rather strict teachings of my Mongol Mentor, Ghengis Kahn (not Herman Kahn) and the somewhat softer approach of my friend, His Holiness the Dalai Lama, Spiritual Leader of the Tibetan people. Compromise that does not reflect weakness, I have learned, is the true answer in life and in dealing with children and certain friends and animals. But I do not recall the “corners on the rugs rule.” Maybe that happened during the cocktail hour.
Please keep up the good work!
-Grumps

My grandfather passed away this month. We will be going Up North to say our goodbyes. He could be a tough general; we always strived to do our best for him, and God knows he could make me burst into tears; but he also gave me the key to a wonderful magical world where chipmunks ate out of my hand, stuffed animals talked, and a troll lived under the dock. It seems almost impossible to walk into that cottage and not have him there. I will always cherish the dozens of Michigan summers I had with that great man.  xoxo, ellie mutt.